Dr. Phil: Children’s Needs during a Divorce

 Posted on April 29,2013 in Divorce

While you are going through the stressful process of getting a divorce, it is very important to keep in mind the psychological needs of your children. A divorce is a stressful thing, especially for children; they may feel guilt, confusion, and even a little bit of fear. Dr. Phil wrote a book, Family First: Your Step-by-Step Plan for Creating a Phenomenal Family, which addresses some of the needs of children experiencing divorce. He believes you should make your best attempt to fulfill all of these needs. The greatest need of a child is acceptance. It is probably true that during this stressful time their self-concept is in a fragile and informative stage, even more so if they are at a young age. At this point in time, their sense of belonging to the family has been disturbed; this will cause them to try and gain your approval. Children will also take blame for the things going on in their families. It is not uncommon for a child to think that if they hadn’t misbehaved or asked for something, their parents would not have started fighting. It is important for you to make them feel that they are a priority and to help them understand that the divorce is not their fault. Another serious need of children of divorce is assurance of safety. With all of the big changes going on, they need to know that the rest of their world is still predictable and they don’t need to be paranoid. It is important that you try to maintain your normal routine and pace, and keep changes as minor as you can. You should also be sure to assure your children that should not feel guilty for your divorce. They often feel that their misbehavior is what triggered the problem. Let your child know that they are not to blame. It is important to keep a sense of structure within your family. This period of time is very stressful for children; to them, their world is falling apart around them. Be sure to continue to enforce discipline and reward good behavior. They must know that things will still keep some normalcy and that they are still involved. No matter what emotional stress you are enduring, you must appear to be  strong for the sake of your children. This will help calm them and allow them to relax. And lastly, you need to let your kids be kids. It is not their job to magically heal your pain. You should not force your children to deal with adult issues and situations they cannot control; there is no reason for them to shoulder those responsibilities. Children and the divorce process are a sensitive combination. It is important that no matter what you may be feeling, you must remember to think of your children and put their needs first. If you are a parent going through the divorce process, be sure to contact an experienced Illinois family law attorney to answer any questions you may have and help you with this strenuous time.